Iāve slowly been moving through my Pinterest boards and deleting a ton of out-of-alignment-with-me pins.
For example:
quotes such as āSweat like a pig, look like a fox,ā or āNothing tastes as good as skinny feels.ā (š¬)
images of thin bodies that served as my vision board for what I wanted to look like (š)
food policing type blogs that tell you what to eat so you donāt get fat (š)
Weight Watcher recipes (š¶)
It reminded me of where Iāve been and where Iāve arrived.
My world was saturated with all of that messaging for soo many years. What I thought was āinspirationā was actually perpetuating my distorted relationship with food and my body.
Hereās the zinger.
All of that toxic narrative āworked" in a way.
It got me where I wanted to be.
In 2011, I lost like 80+ lbs.
So, yeah, it workedā¦but, at the expense of my entire being.
I was the thinnest Iād ever been and I still felt like I was too fat. š³
And, I was riddled with awful, awful anxiety.
And, by the way, I was freaking hungry.
(This was a gown I was wearing to an upcoming military ball in 2012. I wore an ugly black half jacket with it because I was ashamed of my armsā¦of course.)
Hereās the thing though: No matter how much weight I lost, I was never going to feel it was enough. Because deep down I didnāt think I was good enough.
š Before we move on, letās rewind to the 90s for a moment. ā®ļø
I was bullied as a child/teenager for my body.
Here are examples of what I heard:
(A boy who was talking to my friend and he didnāt realize I was listening in on another phone in the house) "Tell Danielle to skip a meal.ā
(A boy who himself was bullied for his body and was just doing what was done to him) āElephant woman.ā
(A boy picking me up in a blanket) āOmg, youāre so heavy.ā
(A boy in gym class when he was my wheelbarrow partner) āI canāt do that! Sheās too heavy!ā
(A boy in a hockey room locker when he heard loud banging) āOh, must be Danielle is walking outside.ā
I also struggled in academics more than anyone I knew. So, I also had the messaging of āIām stupidā happening within me, too.
Then, for the cherry on top, all of the boys I had crushes on always liked my friends. And, my friends were, of course, skinner.
Hello, childhood trauma š.
It was never about the weight.
I could reach my goals all day long but Iād never feel good until I addressed childhood trauma and my self-worth.
Younger Danielle needed tending to.
(This is one of my childhood best friends, Tara, and I at my brotherās hockey game in 1997.)
It was time to start doing the uncomfortable work of leaning into the shame, embarrassment and pain of my childhood/teen years.
So, thatās exactly what I did. And, itās been a long, overwhelming, contractradictory path (but so beautiful, too).
Over the span of many, many years, Iāve curated my healing journey by:
š being brave and going to therapy
š finding Intuitive Eating and Health at Every Size
š understanding what anti-diet culture really means
š learning what feminism really is
š being a part of the body-love movement
š reading a gazillion books on self-growth + self-love
š practicing self-forgiveness, self-acceptance + self-compassion
š hiring life coaches
š enrolling in a 6-month health + neuroscience program
š learning my Human Design
š finding my spiritual director
š taking care of my mental health
š reprogramming my brain
š falling in love with Divine Feminine spirituality
š ā¦and in 2023, finally spiraling deep into my heart to hear my OWN wisdom (more on this later)
And, Iām so, so, so grateful I did.
š¤
Thank you for reading my HERstory.
Itās pretty vulnerable to share.
But, Iām worth it.
She (my body) is worth it.
And, YOU are worth it.
Because through my vulnerability, I hope I can create ripples of hope and healing for you, too, dear reader.
Love, love, love,
Danielle
P.S. Thank you to my husband, Derek. Thank you for never, ever speaking one ill word about my body. Thank you for worshipping my body for everything she is and for loving her unconditionally (since I was almost 16!). Betty Jane, thank you for raising a man who honors + adores the female body. He is the change we wish to see in the world.
P.P.S. My prayer is that my words reach hearts of the ones that are meant to receive them. Please share my Substack with the first being who comes to mind.
Love this, Danielle. Little Danielle is so proud of the strong woman you have become. Every time I read your stories, I am so inspired by you. You stand in your power and itās beautiful to see and it makes me want to be better! Thank you for sharing š¤
Love all of this so much! You are the strongest, most beautiful soul I knowšThank you for sharing your strength and knowledge to help us all be better.š